Saying Good-Bye

When I got up this morning, I found that Lexie's mammary wounds had bled through her doggy bed during the night.  I can't believe she even found the strength to get up, go down the front steps, and walk into the yard to pee, but she did.  She did it for me.  She fought so hard for me for so long, but she collapsed on the sidewalk before she could make it back into the house, and I knew at that moment that I wasn't going to make Lexie fight any longer. 

Justin sat with her and said his good-byes while I got ready to take her to Dr. Ellis.  Then, before I left, we held each other and cried as I thanked Justin for taking such good care of my Lou.  I told him how much she loved him.  It broke my heart to see him crying so hard for her, and for me, but it also made me realize just how lucky I and my girls are to have him in our lives. 

Unfortunately, Dr. Ellis wasn't at Animal Care Clinic today, so they sent us to Dr. Mark Ayers' office.  All of the staff and Dr. Ayers were so kind to me and Lou.  I'm glad that she was surrounded by so many kind, happy voices in her final hour.  I'm also so glad that I decided to stay and be with her while she was euthanized.  I put my forehead against hers and held her face in my hands as I thanked her for loving me and told her what a good girl she was.  She was peaceful, and I also felt at peace as I finally let her go.  I made her promise to find me again someday, though.  I have a feeling she will. 

Oh, Moomie.  I'm going to miss you so very, very much.  You'll always be my little turd, and I'll love you until my last breath.  Thank you for making me so happy for so many years. 

Regression and a Big Decision Today

Despite having a really good Sunday evening, Monday, and Tuesday morning, when I got home from work yesterday evening, Lexie had regressed.  She didn't want to eat anything, not even hot dogs, and she was very weak.  A little later in the evening, she finally went into the kitchen to drink some water.  She drank a TON of water, actually, but then she staggered into the living room and threw up all the water she had just drank.  Justin tried to tell me that she probably threw it up simply because she drank so much so quickly, but there was no consoling me.  I knew that none of this was good.

We decided to sleep in the living room with Lexie last night because she had started moaning and groaning a bit.  Mind you, Dobermans are known to be big whiney babies, especially when they're wanting some attention, and this is definitely true with Lexie.  However, Justin and I didn't sleep all night because we each took turns laying in the floor, spooning Lou and trying to comfort her.  No matter how much we cuddled her, though, she continued to moan and groan all night long. 

Finally, around 5:00 a.m., I tried to give her two Tramadol pills for pain.  She wouldn't open her mouth for me, but I managed to pry her jaws open just enough to slip the tablets into her mouth.  A few minutes later, she spit them out.  We did this a couple more times before she finally swallowed them.  I thought that the pain medication would at least knock Lexie out so that maybe Justin and I could sleep for a half-hour before we had to get up for work, but she still continued to moan and groan.

At that point, I felt that it was probably time to end Lexie's suffering.  It just so happens that she already had an appointment with Dr. Ellis this morning because she's supposed to have her stitches removed today (such cruel irony).  So, I texted Zach, Kristy, and my mother to give them all the heads up that Lexie may not be coming home from the vet today.  Zach and Kristy both came over to say their potential good-byes.  I asked Justin if he would be willing to help me take Lexie to the vet because I wasn't even sure at that point if she was able to walk.  She had barely moved a muscle all night long.  However, when I asked Lexie if she had to go pee, she actually sat up.  She even managed to stand up, although she was very unsteady, probably due to a combination of the pain medication making her loopy and half of her body being asleep from not moving all night.  Regardless, she managed to find her way onto the porch, then down the front steps and into the yard to pee.  She even got into the car all by herself.

Normally, I'd be very happy about those things, especially with Lexie getting into the car independently, but all it did was make me even more confused about what I should do.  On one hand, I know I'm going to have to euthanize her eventually, no matter what, and I certainly don't want her to suffer if she's in pain.  On the other hand (and I realize I'm probably just trying to convince myself of this), I keep wondering if her backslide yesterday evening and all the moaning last night were reactions to stopping her pain medication cold turkey.  (We stopped giving her the Tramadol after her Monday morning dose.) 

The reason I'm having such a hard time just "letting go" right now is because I want SO BADLY to be able to give her at least a few happy days after being fully recovered from her surgeries before it's time to finally say good-bye.  When I told this to Kristy this morning, she said, "But you have given her a LOT of good days.  She's lived a very happy life."  I know this is true, and Kristy makes a good point, but I just hate with all my heart the thought of Lexie going through all this pain and misery, all those trips to Ohio, those long, overnight stays at MedVet, and THREE surgeries, only to finally come home and be euthanized before her stitches are even removed.  I mean, what was the point of any of this?!?

People also keep telling me not to beat myself up and that I made the best decisions with the information that I was given at the time.  I know this is also true; however, that doesn't make any of this easier for me to accept.  It doesn't stop me from being SO ANGRY over the fact that I was told Lexie's abdominal ultrasound showed no signs of cancer, which was the reason why I decided to let her have the enucleation surgery in the first place.

Speaking of that, I sent Dr. Kennedy an email full of questions yesterday, to which he replied yesterday evening....from his iPhone.  I am now going to copy and paste the questions I emailed to him and his answers for you to read (I have not altered this text in any way, other than highlighting his responses):

1. Could you please tell me again exactly what Lexie’s cancer diagnosis is?  I tried to take notes while we were on the phone, but all I wrote down was “vascular and lymphatics,” “inflammatory mammary carcinoma, “Stage III,” and “50/50 it will return in 12-15 months.”  Obviously, I should have taken better notes, but I was in a combined state of shock and devastation at the time.

Mammary carcinoma

2. You mentioned on the phone that the size of the two mammary tumors removed during Lexie’s surgery were quite large, and you said this was “concerning.”  I actually have a few questions regarding this:
   1. How big were the tumors? Over five cm
   2. Why is the size of the tumors still concerning if they were removed? Because we could not take the amount of normal tissue desired to be sure all cancer was removed
   3. When you first mentioned the possibility of removing Lexie’s swollen mammary glands on July 7, 2012, because you said the tumors could be cancerous, I informed you that Lexie had just recently had an abdominal ultrasound, which I was told showed no cancerous tumors.  At that time, you explained that it takes billions of cells to form even a small tumor that is visible enough to be seen on an ultrasound.  If that is the case, and the two tumors removed during Lexie’s surgery were so large that you find them to be concerning, why weren’t they visible on her abdominal ultrasound performed June 20, 2012? The statement about the cells refers to x-rays. I do not know what to say about the presence of the masses at the time of the ultrasound. There is always some mixed inflammation. In these rumors and that might be why they were so obvious to me.

3. When you said that there is a 50% chance that another tumor will appear within 12-15 months, does that mean that the two tumors that were removed during Lexie’s mastectomy were the only cancerous tumors she had?

The only ones we could detect. It is likely that more will form in others glands or within our surgery site

4. You mentioned something about further tests being done on the tumors to see if any lymph nodes were also removed during surgery.  Could you please re-explain the reason for this?  Also, when do you expect to have the results of these additional tests? We submitted a mass of tissue. The lymph node should be in that mind of tissue. If the pathologist finds it he can assess any sites for metastasis (spread) as this will worsen her prognosis if found.

I do not know when to expect it back but hopefully by the end of this week

5. Does Lexie have a life expectancy given her recent diagnosis?

 Potentially as little as 5-7 months

6. Do you know of any current clinical trials for canine cancer treatments for which Lexie might be eligible?

 not that I'm aware of

I'm a little infuriated by his response to question #2c.  Why would he have answered my question about Lexie's abdominal ultrasound with information that pertained to X-rays?  I am 100% certain that I did not ask him about Lexie's X-rays because 1) her X-rays were not performed at MedVet; they were done at Animal Care Clinic in Huntington, and 2) When Dr. Kennedy called on July 7 to discuss Lexie's swollen mammary glands, I mentioned her abdominal ultrasound to him because it had just been performed at MedVet two weeks prior, and I was told that the ultrasound did not show any cancer.  I didn't mention Lexie's X-rays to him because they were X-rays of her chest, not her abdomen.

Anyway, I know that what's done is done and that going over all the shoulda, woulda, coulda's isn't going to change anything, but I just feel so...wronged.  While I can accept that Lexie has cancer and will eventually need to be euthanized, possibly even today, I simply cannot accept the fact that the veterinarians at MedVet missed two Stage III mammary carcinoma tumors that were both over 5 cm in size, nor do I find Dr. Kennedy's reply of "I do not know what to say about the presence of the masses at the time of the ultrasound..." to be acceptable in the least.  I plan to call MedVet today to request a copy of Lexie's medical records, including her ultrasound images.  If another veterinarian looks at Lou's ultrasound and tells me that they do not see cancer, then maybe I will stop feeling so angry. 

In the meantime, Lexie is currently at Animal Care Clinic, and I am waiting for a phone call from Dr. Ellis so we can discuss Lexie's current condition and whether or not she should be euthanized today.  If Dr. Ellis tells me that Lexie's behavior yesterday evening and last night were a result of the sudden medication withdrawal or possibly some other explanation, and if she thinks that Lexie's still got a few good, pain-free months left in her, I will probably choose to bring her home.  If Dr. Ellis tells me that Lexie is in pain due to the cancer, I will not make my Lou suffer any longer.

Will This Ever End?

I swear, if you look in the back seat of my car right now, it looks like I have murdered an animal.  My car is covered in fur and spots of blood, which you can see in this photo.  Bless her heart, Lexie licked that seat almost the entire way to Ohio last night.  Anytime she leaves a spot of blood on the carpet, a pillow, the car seat, or even my leg, she immediately tries to clean it up for me. 

Anyway, I just got a call from Dr. Webb at MedVet (Dr. Corbett is in Cincinnati this week, but Dr. Webb works with her).  Lexie's incision sites did not bleed much through the night, which is good becuase it's a sign she does not have Von Willebrand's disease, but they don't know for sure if she has it yet because her test results still aren't back from New York.  Anyway, Lexie's bacterial culture did come back showing that she's got two different kinds of bacterial infections right now:  staph and serratia, which are resistant to the antibiotics she is currently taking.  I should also add that Dr. Webb believes that these infections may be the reason why Lexie's incisions are pulling.  So, they've changed Lexie to a more heavy-duty antibiotic. 

Meanwhile, Dr. Webb has consulted with their soft tissue surgeon, Dr. Kennedy, who will be repairing Lexie's incision.  Luckily, Dr. Kennedy feels Lou still has enough surrounding soft tissue to make it possible to re-close the wounds without having to perform a skin flap surgery, which is kind of an extensive (and I'm presuming expensive) last resort procedure.

I did ask Dr. Webb about Lexie's immune system because I know it has been weakened by the Prednisone (steroid) she was taking in the 1-1/2 weeks leading up to her bilateral enucleation surgery.  She had been prescribed Prednisone because it was believed that her original disorder, anterior uveitis, was an autoimmune disorder, and Prednisone's function is to weaken her immune system in order to get it to stop attacking her own body.  However, the ER vet on duty last night, Dr. Foust, explained that Lexie's weakened immune system could be a reason why she's having these post-surgical complications and not healing as quickly as we would like.  Therefore, I asked Dr. Webb if there was anything they could give Lexie that would help build her immune system back up.  Dr. Webb said I posed an excellent question, and she would speak to their Integrative Medicine department, which specializes in alternative therapies to compliment conventional treatments and veterinary medicine.  She said they may have some suggestions for improving Lexie's immune system.

On an up note, when I asked Dr. Webb about a cost estimate, she said that she didn't have one yet, but added, "I promise, we are going to do all we can to keep the cost as minimal as possible for you."  She said that I would probably still end up with a balance, but she said she was going to talk to Dr. Corbett and even Dr. Ellis to see what they could work out.  (I forgot to mention that when I dropped Lou off last night, Dr. Foust told me they weren't going to require a deposit this time, which was such a relief.) 

As I was writing this, Dr. Kennedy called.  He said that the fact that Lexie has a staph infection, which is quite extensive, in addition to the serratia infection, is a little concerning.  He said it would be prudent for them to treat this as an open wound for a couple of days in order to allow her new antibiotics to start fighting the infections while they also treat and clean the soft tissues of her wound.  That way they'll be as healthy as possible when she goes into surgery on Monday, or possibly Sunday.  He sounded confident, though, that Lexie is going to be okay when this is all said and done (if it ever ends!!!!).  I asked Dr. Kennedy if HE had a cost estimate, because Dr. Webb had predicted that Lexie would come home tomorrow, but now it looks like Lexie may not come home until next Monday or Tuesday.  Dr. Kennedy said he did not know yet what this will cost, but he said that they are still "working on it," and he'll call me later with an estimate.

Please continue to keep Lexie in your thoughts in prayers, especially for her immune system to regain strength in order to fight the bacterial infections, along with her new antibiotics.  As much as I love the doctors at MedVet, I'm hoping never to see them again after this next surgery.  *knock on wood*

This Can't Be Happening

I am typing this from my iPhone as Justin drives us BACK to MedVet in Ohio, so please forgive typos and formatting. Yes, you heard me correctly. Dr. Ellis wasn't at Animal Care Clinic today, and Dr. Lilly waited until 4:45 p.m. (I dropped Lexie off at 8:00 a.m.) to tell me that Lexie's incision needs to be re-opened in order to be repaired, and she basically refuses to do that because of what happened the last time Lou had surgery there. Therefore, the only option I was given was to drive Lexie back to Ohio so they can perform another surgery tomorrow. Another surgery, plus I'm predicting another weekend stay at MedVet equals another huge bill for me. Why is this happening?!??? And no, I'm not asking for any more donations. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I will figure something out. I'm just venting because I'm so incredibly frustrated and upset, which may be the understatement of the year.

Aaaand Back to the ER

I was right, Lexie must have busted some of her stitches earlier, and throughout the course of the day the rest of the stitches must have just worked themselves out, too, because around 10:00 p.m. I discovered that her incision was completely open.  Not busted wide open or anything like that, but it was obvious the incision wasn't being held together tightly and none of the stitches were visible at all anymore.

So, my only option was to rush her to our local Animal ER, and let me tell you, I am NOT happy with that place right now.  I called ahead to let them know we were coming.  Then, as soon as we walked in, I saw a puddle of pee on the floor with a yellow Caution sign sitting next to it (the puddle dried in the amount of time we were there, by the way, and no one ever even moved the sign, let alone mopped the floor).  Then, I told the girl behind the counter who we were, what was going on, and even told her I was freaking out a little.  She handed me a form and told me to fill it out, then she disappeared into the back somewhere for about....oh....I'd say at least twenty minutes!  For twenty minutes, my Lou sat in the waiting room just bleeding from her right eye while I nervously and angrily tapped my nails on the counter waiting for someone to come back and help us.

Finally, a different girl emerged from the back, but I don't even think she was going to help us until I said, "Excuse me, but I would feel MUCH better if someone would at least come take my dog."  Her reply?  "What's wrong with her?"  Unbelievable.

Well, that second girl did take Lexie to the back for me, but then we didn't see another employee for the next half hour or so, not even at the front desk!  Finally, a vet (at least, I hope she was an actual vet) called us into a room.  She said she already knew a little bit about Lexie's case because Dr. Ellis had called the Animal ER last Friday to see if they had plasma after Lexie's blood wouldn't clot.  She asked me if Lexie had any problems during her second surgery at MedVet, and I told her she didn't.  However, I added that we never really found out for sure if Lexie has Von Willenbrand's disease.

I guess for that reason, this vet said that she "didn't want to do anything that might cause all that to start up again," and told me she was going to put some ointment on Lexie's wound and then put a patch on it.  A PATCH!  I asked if she could at least put one or two stitches in it to close it up better, but she said that because Lou's surgery was two days ago, she'd have to re-open her wound a little in order to stitch it back up, which is exactly what she didn't want to do because she was afraid Lexie would start bleeding uncontrollably again.

So, I asked if they could at least keep Lexie overnight for observation because there's no way I'd be able to sleep tonight if I took her home with just a patch on her opened incision.  They said that was fine, so that's where Lexie is now.  I'm going to have to get up super early in order to go pick her up and take her to the Animal Care Clinic before I have to be at work at 8:30 a.m. tomorrow.

Will this ever end?????

She's Home!!!

 I don't even know where to begin.  I am so overwhelmed with emotions right now!

First of all, I got the call from Dr. Corbett saying that Lexie could come home around 10:00 a.m., but I had a few reports I needed to get done at work before I could leave.  I was also crossing my fingers that Justin would be able to take off work early, but by 2:00 p.m. he texted to say his chances of leaving early didn't look good, so I decided to go by myself to pick up Lou.  After all, Dr. Corbett had told me that she thought Lexie would be fine riding in the back seat by herself during the trip home.

So, I arrived at MedVet around 6:30 p.m. this evening, and the first thing they wanted to do was settle my bill, the total of which was significantly higher than I had been anticipating (over $3500!).  However, you guys aren't going to believe this:  I learned that not only did Lexie's local vet donate a large sum towards her MedVet bill, in addition to the generous donations I have received through my and Chad Dressen's blogs, an incredibly kind woman from Canada, named Wanda, whom I have never even had the pleasure of meeting before, had also called MedVet and offered to pay the balance!!!!!  

I.  Am.  Speechless.

Stuff like this doesn't happen in real life, does it?!?!?!  It doesn't!  At least, not in MY real life.  I am still in shock.  I just happened to be standing at the front desk when the billing assistant called Miss Wanda to get her credit card information, so I asked if I could speak to her before the billing assistant hung up.  I'm so glad I was able to thank Wanda myself, although she may not have understood me through all the tears.  I am also  hoping that Dr. Ellis is in the office tomorrow so I can thank her, as well.  I mean, seriously?!?!?!  Seeing so much GOOD and kindness in people has truly been the most beautiful, amazing experience of my life.  It has definitely made me want to strive to be a better human being, and I can only hope many other people who have been following our story feel the same way.  You guys have been nothing short of incredible, and I cannot thank you enough.

Speaking of incredible, Lexie is home!!!!!  In fact, she's laying beside me on the floor as I type this blog.  Justin and I are already so impressed with how well she's adjusting, too.  She's actually getting around BETTER than she was right before her bilateral enucleation surgery.  I wonder if maybe she was depending a little too much on being able to distinguish shadows and light, because now it's obvious she's using her senses of hearing and smell a lot more than she was a week ago.  She's also not walking directly into things like she used to.  She ALMOST walks into things, but as soon as her nose gets really close to the wall, chair, door, etc., she kind of pulls back and changes direction.  Since being home, she's already located the food bowls and had some dinner, she drank about a gallon of water after finding her water bowl all by herself, and I even walked into the foyer at one point to find her cleaning Sam's ears!  She is definitely the same ole Lou she was before this whole ordeal began last month, and I can't tell you how happy that makes me.

The one thing that is kind of worrisome is the fact that she's bleeding a lot from her incisions.  The vet tech at MedVet told me that this is normal, and even brought in the ophthalmologist on duty to confirm this for me.  He said that, as long as the fluid coming from Lexie's eyes was just bloody and not actual blood, then it was perfectly fine.  However, since we've gotten home, I swear it looks more like blood and less like bloody fluid coming from her eyes.  She looks just like a crying vampire from True Blood!  I'm applying a cold compress, like the vet at MedVet suggested, but I just really wish her eyes weren't bleeding at all.  It makes me nervous.  In fact, I ended up asking him if they could wrap Lexie's head like it was when I brought her in on Friday, just for the trip home.  Poor little thing.  She looked like I had kidnapped her.

Other than that, though, my Lou is home and is doing so well!!!!!   Yaaaayyy!!!  Her eyes do look a little funny, like Dr. Corbett had warned me, but I can't help but think she looks adorable.  I was afraid she'd look sad all the time without having any eyes, but she really doesn't.  I mean, come on, that smile is pretty undeniable.  :)  She's also been giving the MOST hugs!  In fact, she hasn't really wanted me to leave her side since I picked her up.  During the first few minutes of the drive home, she kept resting her head on the console between the two front seats just so she could be closer to me.  She didn't look comfortable, though, so I pulled over and brought her up front to the passenger seat beside me.  I laid the seat all the way down, then stuffed a big comforter in the floor, just in case she fell forward at some point.  She curled right up into a little ball, though, and slept as I pet her the whole rest of the way home.  

I am just so relieved to have her with me finally.  If her eye incisions keep bleeding like they have been tonight, I'll probably have Dr. Ellis take a look at her ASAP.  So, I'm not 100% comfortable yet, but I definitely feel a LOT better now that she's home.  :)

Missing Lou (Video)

I called MedVet around 9:00 p.m. last night to check on Lexie and to see if they thought she'd be able to come home today.  The nurse I spoke with said that Lexie is doing "awesome," and added, "She's got a pretty big fan club here."  Once again, the BIGGEST smile spread across my face upon hearing that.  I love that so many people appreciate what a little turd my Lou is (I mean that in the best possible way, of course).

Unfortunately, the nurse wasn't sure if Dr. Corbett wants to let Lexie come home today because she said Lou is still a little anemic and they just want to make sure she's 100% stable before they send her home.  I completely understand and appreciate that, but I'm crossing my fingers REALLY HARD that her blood counts have stabilized because I just want my baby home!!!!!  Dr. Corbett is supposed to call me later this morning and give me an update.

In the meantime, I thought I'd share with you guys a little video of Lexie that I shot last summer after she had given me another big scare.  Lexie had developed pyometra, which I learned when I had to rush her to the Animal Care Clinic after finding her in a pool of blood one morning.  (I hadn't spayed her yet because at one time I thought I may want Lexie to have at least one litter.  I had been meaning to have her spayed after deciding years ago that I didn't want to breed her, but for some reason it just kept slipping my mind.  Needless to say, I felt like the WORST dog-mother in the world that day.)  Lexie had to have emergency surgery because she was in serious condition, and I was terrified that I was going to lose her.

Thankfully, she pulled through that surgery, as well.  In fact, the very next day she felt like a million bucks!  I couldn't believe how quickly she recovered and how spunky she was.   The one thing that REALLY got me, though, was the fact that as soon as she got home from the vet, she sought out her stuffed bunny.  She carried that thing around with her everywhere and cuddled it every time she laid down.

So, here is a short video I shot of Lou and her bunny the DAY AFTER her pyometra surgery that saved her life last summer.  (Note, in addition to "Lou," Lexie's other nicknames are "Moo" and "Moomie."  Don't ask me why.  Oh, and Lexie's eyes always glowed bright green in photos and videos, which is why we sometimes referred to her as a goblin.  haha!)





My little "goblin" with my brother, Zach, and his girlfriend/Lexie's BFF, Kristy:

One more of the "goblin" having dinner:

Back to Ohio

Just about an hour after I posted my last blog about Lexie having Von Willenbrand's disease, Dr. Ellis called to tell me that not only was Lexie starting to bleed again (through all the gauze that they had packed in her wounds), but her latest blood work indicated that she DOESN'T have VW disease. Therefore, Dr. Ellis recommended we rush her back to MedVet in Worthington, Ohio to see another specialist who could hopefully diagnose the reason why her blood wasn't clotting. Dr. Ellis gave me another option of letting Lexie spend the night in our local ER for observation, but she was worried that Lou might not make it through the night. Because Justin had agreed to make up the hours he'd taken off work to be with me that day, he wouldn't be able to go to Ohio with me. So, I called my brother, Zach, and thankfully he agreed to go with me. I was terrified, however, to drive Lexie 3 hours to MedVet in her condition, and even Dr. Ellis said there was a chance Lou might not make it there. However, Dr. Ellis said that she felt the risk might be worth it because the specialists at MedVet would be much better at diagnosing her.

I should probably back up a little bit and explain that the issue was that Dr. Ellis and Dr. Ayers had to pack Lexie's eye sockets with gauze in order to slow the bleeding after her enucleation surgery, which means the gauze still has to be removed. So, the worry is that even if the bleeding stops right now, it could possibly start again when the wounds are re-opened and the gauze is removed. Therefore, we need to find out what's preventing her blood from clotting so we can fix it before unpacking her wounds.

Ok, so Zach and I went to pick up Lexie from Animal Care Clinic. I was afraid of how she'd look, but it was actually much better than I had expected. Dr. Ellis had wrapped Lou's head and eyes really well, and Lexie was even up and moving around. She was still my Lou, too, which pleased me more than I can even tell you. I had expected her to be this pitiful, lethargic, bleeding, dying, Franken-Dobie, but she wasn't anything close to that. I sat in the back seat with Lou as Zach drove us to Ohio. I am usually very careful about the speed limit, but I told Zach I didn't care if he got pulled over because we were racing against time at that point. 

Well, wouldn't you know that apparently the Storm of the Century just HAD to come through Ohio and WV right at that moment? Although we lucked out and only drove through heavy wind and some rain, the rest of Ohio was hit HARD. During the entire drive through half the state, we saw downed trees, branches, and the majority of towns we drove through were without power. The whole time, Lexie was so good. She just laid down beside me and slept most of the way. She was breathing pretty hard, though, which worried me, and I kept a close eye on her breathing the entire time. Then, when we were about an hour away from MedVet, we hit stand still traffic. After about 30 minutes of not moving, I started to panic, but then we finally started to move again. Just as we were about to take the exit to 270 toward Columbus, the exit was shut down! We ended up having to re-route through some town that had a billion stop lights, but the power was out so we had to do a four-way stop at every single one! I seriously thought I might have a heart attack at that point. 

Finally, 4 hours after we left Huntington, we arrived at MedVet. When I got Lexie out of the car, I could see a spot of blood where her head had been resting. They took her straight back, though, so I was relieved she was at least receiving medical attention. However, I told Zach when we sat in the waiting room that I wasn't expecting good news.

 When we finally spoke to the vet on duty that night, Dr. Miller, I was both relieved and surprised when she told me Lexie looked good and seemed stable. She said she wanted to do a blood panel since Lexie had had a transfusion that day and keep her overnight for observation. Then, in the morning, Lexie would be seen by an internal medicine specialist who could try to figure out why her blood won't clot. It was after midnight at that point, and Zach and I were both too tired to drive, so we got a room at a nearby hotel.

I called MedVet first thing this morning and they said Lexie did well through the night and all of her blood work looked good. So, now I'm just waiting to hear from the other specialist after he has a chance to examine her. I'm crossing my fingers for some actual answers today.

Surgical Complications

If you're religious, I'm asking for prayers.  If you're not religious or of some different religion/faith, I'm asking for good vibes, VERY positive thoughts, chants, or whatever you can do to help my Lou survive this surgery.

Dr. Ellis called me a little before 1:00 p.m. to tell me that there had been a complication during Lexie's enucleation procedure, and I could tell by the tone of her voice that it was serious.  She said that Lou has Von Willebrand's disease, which is a blood clotting disorder found commonly in Dobermans.  Apparently, this blood disorder can develop at any time and is not always detectable on blood tests.  According to www.petmd.com, "Typically the platelet count will be normal (unless your dog has experienced recent, massive bleeding), and coagulation tests will show normal results."

Dr. Ellis said that they were having a hard time getting Lexie's bleeding to stop, but they had called in another local veterinarian, Dr. Ayers, to start working on her.  However, Dr. Ellis did not sound hopeful and even added, "I just wanted you to be aware of what's going on because it's critical.  Lexie has lost a LOT of blood, to the point that she's becoming weak...."  She told me that they were prepared to give her a transfusion if necessary, and told me to keep my phone close by.

I was covering the front office when I received this devastating phone call, and it was all I could do to try to hold myself together because there were patients in our waiting room.  Thank goodness my boss just happened to walk up front at that time, because as soon as I saw her I said, "I'm sorry, but I need to go."  I told her what was happening, and she said it was okay for me to take off the rest of the day.

I drove straight home, still trying to hold it together, because I felt like I was going to explode, and I didn't want to do that in the tiny waiting room at Animal Care Clinic.  Besides, they were still working on Lexie, so it's not like I could go back and see her anyway.  Luckily, Justin was home on his lunch break, and as soon as I walked through the door I cried, "She's dying!" then basically just crumbled to the floor sobbing.  Justin rushed over to me and helped me sit at the bottom of our stairs, then asked what was going on.  As I was explaining the situation to him, Dr. Ellis called back.  She said that they had begun a blood transfusion and would keep me posted.


Justin, unfortunately, had to get back to work, but he managed to work it out with his employer so that he could come home and make up his hours tomorrow morning.  So, we sat on the couch for what seemed like an eternity waiting for the phone to ring again.  I was in a complete zombie state at that point, just trying to block out all thoughts until I heard back from the vet.  


Finally, Dr. Ellis called around 3:30 p.m. to say that they had given Lexie about a pint of blood, but the only way they could get the bleeding to stop was to pack the wounds.  Dr. Ellis said that she was getting ready to call the local hospitals to see if she could get this stuff (she never told me the name of it or what it is exactly) that will hopefully help Lexie's blood clot.  They are hoping that it will prevent her from bleeding again when they unpack her wounds tomorrow.  


So, that's where it all stands at this point.  Dr. Ellis said that Lexie was resting comfortably, but didn't want me to come see her because she didn't want Lou to get all worked up.  She also said that she'd try to call me with an update later tonight, probably around 10:00 p.m.

Again, I'm asking for LOTS of prayers, good vibes, magic spells, good energy, etc. to help my Lou pull through this.  She's been with me through SO much, and I simply cannot imagine my life without her in it.  At least, not yet, and not like this.  

The Morning of Surgery

I just dropped Lexie off at the vet for her bilateral enucleation surgery.  I’m such a bundle of mixed emotions right now.  I’m crying, of course, because my Lou is never going to be able to look at me again.  She’ll never greet me at the door with one of her stuffed animals in her mouth, enticing me to chase her around the living room and dining room ever again.   (My favorite part of that game, by the way, was when I’d be chasing her around through the dining room, kitchen, and living room, but then I’d stop and quietly reverse directions.  She’d sense that I stopped chasing her, so she’d get really quiet and sneaky, too, and try to find me.  Then, it became a game of “who can sneak up on whom first” before resuming the game of chase.)  I’m going to miss watching her look out our living room window and getting that “stranger danger” face if a passer-by happened to linger in front of our house a little too long.  I’m going to miss the way she’d always be the first of my girls to come back inside after being let out, just so she could sit in the doorway with me and watchfully wait for Sam and Jocie to come back inside.  If they took too long, she’d go back out into the yard and bark until they came in.

These are the things I am grieving, which I don’t think people think about when they tell me (repeatedly) that, “She’s going to be fine.  Dogs adjust SO well to being blind.”  While I understand that Lexie is going to be okay and adjust to being blind, there’s a part of her that is now gone forever, and I’m heartbroken over that.  I do appreciate it when people try to cheer me up and help me look on the bright side of this situation, but I need to be allowed to be sad and upset about it for a while, too.  Trust me, I can find the bright side to just about anything because I don’t see the point in wallowing in sadness or self-pity for very long.  However, it takes a good dose of crying and, yes, even a little bit of the aforementioned wallowing for me to get it all out of my system and get to that place where I simply don’t WANT to be sad anymore.  I’m not there yet, but I'm getting there.

I took a couple photos of Lou this morning to always remind me that I made the right decision in regard to her bilateral enucleation.  Just look at the side-by-side comparison above.   I took the photo on the left the day I decided I didn’t want to have her left eye removed because it looked practically normal compared to her right eye.  The photo on the right was taken this morning, just four days later.

On a more upbeat note, I will say that I wasn’t AS emotional as I thought I’d be when I left her at the Animal Care Clinic this morning.  I did give each of her eyes a little kiss good-bye, but because I know her eyes are causing her pain, in a small, weird way I’m actually kind of happy for Lou this morning.  I am just so anxious for her feel better.  I’m also looking forward to watching her adjust and learn new things, including new games that we can play together once she’s all healed.   Yeah, I’d say that I’m to the point right now where I just want all of this pain to end (hers AND mine) so we can start moving on.  In the meantime, this is going to be a looooooong day...

Background - Part Two: Blindsided By Glaucoma

After making the six-hour drive (round-trip) to see veterinary ophthalmologist, Dr. Corbett, at MedVet in Worthington, Ohio, Justin and I immediately began administering Lexie’s medications just as Dr. Corbett had prescribed:  three and a half antibiotic pills each morning, steroid drops in each eye every six hours, and her ibuprofen-type medication (I forget the name) twice a day.  We did this religiously for about four days without seeing any improvement in Lexie’s eyes, but I wasn’t really worried because Dr. Corbett had said we probably wouldn’t see improvement until after a week.

Then, on about the fifth day following Lexie’s trip to Ohio, Justin and I decided to take Lexie and her sisters, Jocie and Sam (see the Introduction section of my blog below), to visit his parents.  The girls had a blast running all over the fenced-in yard and exploring Justin’s parents’ home.  It was during that visit, however, that I noticed Lexie’s left eye was looking cloudier than usual.  Upon further inspection, I discovered the whites of her eyes were also extremely red.  I wondered if this was due to her blood pressure being elevated from all the excitement, and I hoped that the redness in her eyes would decrease after she went home, settled down, and had a good night’s sleep. 

Well, the next morning (Monday), not only were her eyes still very red, but her left eye had gotten even cloudier than the day before.  At that point, I felt it was time to call Dr. Corbett to schedule Lexie’s follow-up appointment.  After scheduling her appointment for that coming Wednesday, I spoke with one of the ophthalmology vet techs, and she recommended I take Lexie back to see Dr. Ellis, our local vet, to have her eye pressures read that day.  She said that what I was describing sounded like Lexie’s eye pressures might be building up, which is a sign of glaucoma.  Not only that, but those pressures can increase very quickly and cause Lexie to lose her sight within a matter of hours! 

I immediately called my brother, Zach, and asked if he could take Lexie to the vet for me after he got off work. He agreed, and about an hour or so later I received a call from Dr. Lilly at Animal Care Clinic, who was filling in for Dr. Ellis that week while she was on vacation.  Dr. Lilly said that Lexie’s eye pressures were dangerously high, and she told me I needed to take Lexie IMMEDIATELY back to MedVet in Ohio for emergency treatment.  She said she would call MedVet to let them know I was coming.  As soon as we hung up, I found my boss and tearfully explained to her that I probably wouldn’t be able to come into work the next day because I was about to rush my Doberman back to Ohio.  She said that was fine, but as soon as I got back to my desk I received another phone call.  Apparently, when Dr. Lilly called MedVet to tell them I was coming, she spoke with Dr. Corbett, who told her an immediate emergency visit was not necessary.  Instead, Dr. Corbett prescribed two new eye drops for me to give Lexie every eight hours, and I was to bring Lexie back to Animal Care Clinic the next day to have her eye pressures checked again.   If the eye pressures were decreased at that point, then it would be okay for us to just keep our Wednesday appointment.   Thankfully, the new eye drops were successful in bringing down her pressures, so that Wednesday Lou and I headed back to Ohio to see Dr. Corbett.

At this point, I was starting to feel like the butt of some sort of cruel joke.  Wasn’t it just a week ago that I had been SO happy and relieved to hear an that Lexie WASN’T going blind?  What was all this talk about glaucoma and having to lower her eye pressures so that she wouldn’t go blind within a matter of hours??!?!   Dr. Corbett never mentioned the possibility of glaucoma developing, nor did she tell me anything about this serious, sight-threatening condition!  Were there signs I could have been watching for?  Was Lexie at a greater risk of going blind now because I didn’t realize she was developing glaucoma? 

I was bursting with questions when we arrived for our follow-up appointment at MedVet on Wednesday, June 20, 2012.  Dr. Corbett was just as nice as ever and seemed genuinely disappointed that Lexie’s condition had taken a turn for the worse.  After examining her, Dr. Corbett explained to me that Lou had apparently developed glaucoma secondary to her anterior uveitis.  Here is what happened (at least, how I understood it):

Dogs have a sort of “drain” in their eyes, which allow fluids to, well, drain from their eyeballs.    If that drain becomes clogged for some reason, the fluid cannot escape and then pressure begins to build up in the eyes.   If that pressure builds up too high, it causes permanent vision loss.  That, in a layman’s nutshell, is glaucoma. 

Now, there are two different kinds of glaucoma:  primary and secondary.  Secondary glaucoma is when it develops due to another underlying condition, such as anterior uveitis.  In Lexie’s case, her anterior uveitis had caused her eyeballs to become inflamed, and the swelling is what caused the drains in her eyes to clog.  Dr. Corbett explained that if we could successfully determine the cause of her anterior uveitis, we could hopefully treat it, which would then get rid of the inflammation and allow those drains in her eyes to re-open; thus, also getting rid of the glaucoma. 

First thing was first, and that was determining the cause of Lexie’s anterior uveitis.  We had already ruled out an eye injury, and we had been treating her with medication as though the cause was either a tick bite or an autoimmune disorder, but we still hadn’t ruled out cancer, fungal infection, or disease of her internal organs. Therefore, Lexie underwent a chest X-ray and abdominal ultrasound, both of which thankfully came back completely normal.  As relieved as I was to find out she did not have cancer or anything else wrong internally, that only brought us right back to square one:  assuming her anterior uveitis was caused by a tick bite or autoimmune disorder.

Dr. Corbett decided to treat Lou much more aggressively for the next two weeks by adding an oral steroid, Prednisone, on a tapering dose, maintaining the antibiotics and steroidal eye drops, and also adding three different eye drops to treat her glaucoma, which were intended to help stabilize and maintain the pressures in Lexie’s eyes at a safe level.  Dr. Corbett told me that after two weeks of this aggressive treatment, we would have a much better idea of Lexie’s long-term prognosis, which we would discuss at her next follow-up visit. 

I was very careful with the wording of my questions, but basically I told Dr. Corbett that when I left there the last time, I left under the impression that there was not any danger of Lexie going blind, so I just wanted to make sure that I had a full understanding about what was going on with Lexie’s condition so that I hopefully wouldn’t experience any further heartbreaks or disappointments.   Dr. Corbett never acknowledged or apologized for the fact that she did not at least give me a heads up about the possibility of Lou developing secondary glaucoma, but I did appreciate how nice Dr. Corbett was and how she made me feel as though she had all the time in the world to answer my questions.   I also felt confident that Lexie was receiving the best possible care at MedVet.

This time, as I made the three-hour drive back to Huntington from Worthington, I was relieved that at least Lexie’s condition wasn’t life-threatening and still slightly hopeful that her new aggressive treatment would cure her anterior uveitis and glaucoma, but overall I was just extremely saddened and disappointed by the fact that there was now actually a strong possibility that Lexie could go blind. 

Justin and I literally had to set alarms on our phones to remind us which medication Lexie needed at what time, but we continued to administer all of Lexie’s medications, just as Dr. Corbett prescribed, 24/7.  The cloudiness in Lexie’s eyes did actually clear up for a couple of days, which made me hopeful, but on Sunday night I noticed her right eye was starting to turn really red once again.  The next morning, her right eye was very cloudy, both eyes were extremely red, and her right eye even looked like it was bulging a little bit.  Even worse, it was obvious that she wasn’t seeing much more than shadows and light.  I called MedVet as soon as I got to work, and they advised me to take Lexie back to Animal Care Clinic to have her pressures read.  So, I left work, picked Lou up, and dropped her back off at Animal Care Clinic. 

Finally, just as I was leaving to go pick her up, Dr. Ellis called me.  I expected to hear a progress report on Lexie.  Hell, I was even expecting the report to be bad.   What I wasn't expecting was that Dr. Ellis was about to present me with the hardest decision I've ever had to make...

Background - Part One: It's "Only" Anterior Uveitis

It’s hard to believe it was only less than one month ago (the first week of June, 2012) when I first noticed something was wrong with Lexie’s left eye.   She happened to turn to look at me while her third eyelid was covering her eye, which was something I’d never seen her do before.    As soon as I jumped up to get a closer look, though, her eye went back to normal and she seemed to be perfectly fine.  I thought that maybe it was just a fluke, but it became obvious the next day that it wasn’t.   Her eyes were becoming increasingly red, so I made an appointment at the vet the next morning.  I thought that she was maybe having an allergic reaction to something, or perhaps had been scratched by one of the feral cats that sometime seek shelter under our deck.  I figured the vet would probably prescribe some medicine, which we’d probably have to give her for a couple of weeks, and then Lou would be back to normal in no time.

My boyfriend, Justin, and I took Lexie to see Dr. Ginger Ellis at Animal Care Clinic in Huntington, WV that Saturday.  I could immediately tell by Dr. Ellis’ concerned expression, however, that Lexie’s eye condition was something worse than I had anticipated.  She measured Lou’s eye pressures and was very relieved when her pressures were low, because she said that meant that this was not glaucoma.  After further examining her, Dr. Ellis said she believed Lexie had anterior uveitis, which is an inflammation that affects the front, or anterior, part of the eye.  She prescribed a steroid eye drop to give Lexie every six hours, along with an antibiotic, and told me that Lou’s eyes should start looking better by the next day.  If it didn’t, Dr. Ellis recommended I take her to the emergency vet, since it would be on a Sunday, in order to have blood work done because eye inflammation can also be a sign of something going on internally, like cancer.  I asked Dr. Ellis if we could just go ahead and do some blood work that day, just to save myself a little bit of worry.  She agreed, and thankfully Lexie’s blood work came back normal.

We immediately started administering the antibiotics and steroid drops to Lexie’s eyes as prescribed, but she did not look better the next day.   I didn’t rush her to the ER, though, because her blood work had come back normal at Dr. Ellis’ office.  So, I just continued to administer her medications over the next several days, thinking that eventually they would kick in and she’d start to look better, but she didn’t.  In fact, after a full week of treatment, Lexie’s eyes were starting to look worse.  Her left eye was noticeably worse than her right, but they were both very red, and she was holding them shut most of the time.   However, despite the fact that she was starting to actually look like a blind dog, she could obviously still see because she wasn’t bumping into anything, which I took as a positive sign.

At her follow-up appointment (one week after her initial diagnosis), Dr. Ellis frowned when she saw that Lexie’s condition had worsened, and after giving her a brief examination, she asked if she could refer us to an eye specialist in Ohio.  She said that she was afraid Lexie may be developing retinal detachment and could go blind very quickly, but because Dr. Ellis is not a veterinary ophthalmologist, she said she couldn’t really be sure.  That is why she wanted to make us a referral to a place called MedVet in Worthington, Ohio, which is a three-hour drive from Huntington.  I couldn’t believe we were actually discussing the possibility of my Lou going blind!  I was immediately in tears  because I wasn’t sure I would be able to afford any kind of extensive treatment that Lou may need.  Dr. Ellis and her assistant were both very sympathetic and talked to me about some possible financing options through Care Credit, if it came to that.  Her assistant held my hand and told me that dogs adjust very well to being blind, and told me about how her own dog adjusted very well after he had to have both of his eyes removed.  So, basically, I went home from the vet that day thinking that Lexie was most likely going blind, but still holding out hope that the specialist in Ohio would have better news for us. 

A few days later, my roommate, Ashley, accompanied me and Lexie on our road trip to see Dr. Corbett, a veterinary ophthalmologist, at MedVet.   (Thankfully, I have a very nice boss who allowed me to take some time off from work in order to make the trip to Ohio.)  I was very impressed when we arrived at MedVet because it was SO much bigger than the little old Animal Care Clinic back home.  It felt more like a hospital, which was comforting in a way. 

Dr. Corbett and her vet tech were both very nice.  After a thorough examination of Lexie’s eyes, Dr. Corbett told us that Lexie’s retinas looked fine.  She then went on to explain anterior uveitis to us, which was Dr. Ellis’ original diagnosis, but I still wasn’t 100% sure if Lexie was in danger of going blind.  Finally, I mustered up the courage to ask, “Just to be clear, are you telling me that Lexie is NOT going blind?”  Dr. Corbett replied, “Correct.  She is not going blind.”  Ashley and I both cheered, and Ashley immediately began texting the good news to all of our concerned friends back home as I continued to listen to Dr. Corbett. 

She explained that anterior uveitis can be caused by a number of things, including tick bite, cancer, eye injury, a disease of the internal organs, fungal infection, or it could possibly be autoimmune-related.  She was able to rule out eye injury during Lexie’s exam that day, and I could have paid to have blood work done that would have definitely told us if it was caused by a tick bite, but when Dr. Corbett said that we were basically treating her for a tick bite anyway, I decided to save some money and not order that test.  So, that left cancer, internal organ disease, fungal infection, and autoimmune disorder as the remaining possible causes for her uveitis. 

Dr. Corbett recommended we treat Lexie’s condition as though it was caused by tick bite or an autoimmune disorder.  If her condition worsened or did not improve after two weeks of treatment, then she would order a chest X-ray and abdominal ultrasound to look for cancer, etc.  So, I was told to continue giving Lexie the same steroid eye drops and antibiotics she was already taking, but Dr. Corbett increased their dosages and added another ibuprofen-type medication to her regimen.  She told me that Lexie wouldn’t look better immediately, but after about a week I should start to see an improvement. 

Needless to say, I went home the happiest dog owner in the entire world that afternoon because I had been told by an actual veterinary ophthalmologist that Lexie was NOT going blind!!!!

If only I had known the heartbreak that lay ahead…