I Miss Her So Much

Last night, I told Justin that, over the years, I have randomly wondered which of my girls would be the first to go.  It's something that I have been naturally dreading and trying to prepare myself for ever since I first got Jocie 11 years ago.  I told Justin that I would try to imagine what life would be like without Sam, or what life would be like without Jocie, but any time I would start to think about what my life would be like without Lou, I just couldn't.  I literally could not imagine my life without Lexie in it.  I still can't.  I'm still in...not denial...but total disbelief. 

I pulled up some old videos last night because I wanted to replace the memories I have from these last couple of months with those from much happier times:



I would be lying if I said that Justin and I haven't already talked about getting a Doberman puppy sometime in the near future.  I wish I could tell you that I can't even bear the thought of "replacing" Lexie, but that's not true.  There is a huge void in my life now.  While I love Sam and Jocie with all my heart, they just have very different personalities. 

Jocie's a goofball and cracks me up sometimes with her weirdo behaviors (she has this whole OCD routine she performs before she eats sometimes that you just wouldn't believe), but for the most part, she's kind of a loner.  I call her my "cat-dog" because she generally likes to just keep to herself and hang out behind the couch most of the time, and she only comes out whenever she decides she wants a little attention. 

Sam is SUCH a sweetheart.  I have often referred to her as my "human dog" because I swear she feels emotions just like a human.  In fact, ever since we took Lexie yesterday, Sam's been sleeping in the laundry room, which is where she usually hides whenever there's a thunderstorm.  She also refuses to sleep on the doggy bed where Lexie last slept.  She just feels every emotion SO deeply, and she wears her heart on her little doggy sleeve.  In general, though, Sam is one of the laziest creatures you'll ever meet.  Maybe it's the coonhound in her, but all she wants to do is sprawl out on the couch, sleep, and eat.

It's Lexie's GIANT, active personality that has left such a void in my heart.  She's what made this house feel alive.  Dobermans are notorious for being demanding for affection and attention, and that's exactly what I miss about Lou.  Again, I love my Sam and my Jocie, please do not get me wrong about that, but, well, for example, when I got home from work yesterday, no one came running up to greet me.  Sam kind of lifted her head up and wagged her tail at me, and Jocie finally came out from behind the couch when I asked the girls if they had to go pee, but I missed having my Lou right there at the door waiting for me with one of her stuffed animals in her mouth, with her little nubble (tail) going a million miles a minute (we called that "nubble trouble").  Also, for some reason I prefer to sit on my living room floor whenever I watch TV sometimes and lean back against the couch, and when I did that last night I really missed how Lexie used to come over and lay down on the floor right beside me.  I will especially miss her in the winter because we used to snuggle on the floor by the fire together.

So, again, I'm not even going to pretend that my heart isn't aching for Lexie's void to be filled.  No dog will ever "replace" my Lou, of course, and part of me feels very guilty for even considering adopting another Doberman puppy so soon after Lexie's passing, but I just don't know how long my heart can survive with this huge hole in it.  I'm definitely not going to get a new pup before September, though, because I have a vacation coming up at the end of August.  So, I have over a month to really think about it, but Justin seems to agree with my reasons for wanting another Dobe and is all for the idea.

No matter what, Lexie will always be my first true Dobe love.  She stole my heart from the minute I laid eyes on her.  I'll never forget that day, either.  Chris answered an ad in the local paper for a Doberman puppy and brought her with him to pick me up from work.  As soon as he walked around the side of the car with that adorable little baby girl, I completely melted right there in the parking lot.  I even remember saying, "Oh my GOD," and my hands grasped at my heart the moment I saw her.  Yeah, she definitely had me completely wrapped around her little paw from Day One. 

Anyway, I feel like I'm just rambling now.  I guess there isn't much else to really add to this blog, I just feel almost panicked at the thought of ending it.  It's the same feeling I got last night when I purchased Lexie's urn online.  Justin and I spent a good hour or so shopping for an urn in which to keep Lexie's ashes.  (I paid to have a private cremation for her so that I could keep her ashes.  I plan to put some of her cremains with Chris' ashes, which I will be scattering someday, per Chris' wishes.)  We chose an urn that basically looks like a double picture frame, but there is a box behind the main frame for her ashes.  We were happy with our choice and I added it to the online shopping cart, but just before I clicked "Purchase," I had a moment of panic.  I looked at Justin and said tearfully, "I don't want to buy Lexie an urn."  What I meant, of course, was just that I wanted her to still be alive, but Justin understood exactly what I meant.

So, as I said, that's the way I'm feeling right now in regard to ending this blog.  In a way, this feels like another big, heartbreaking good-bye.  I have "met" so many wonderful, caring, and amazing people because of this experience, and it warms my heart that so many of you have told me that you feel like you knew Lexie, despite having never met her, because of this blog.  It saddens me in ways that I can't even express in words that this is all now coming to an end.  I hope you all know how much your support and encouragement have meant to me.  Your kindness and generosity have changed my life forever. 

In fact, after I post this final blog, I will be heading over to the Special Needs Dobermans website to set up a monthly donation.  It won't be much right now, as I am currently thousands of dollars in debt over Lexie's medical expenses, but I know from personal experience that even a $5 donation can help save a Dobe in need.  So, for the rest of my life, I will be donating at least $5 per month (more when or if I ever have more to give) in Lexie's name to this and possibly other organizations who help people in need pay for their beloved pet's medical expenses.  I highly encourage everyone who is reading this blog to do the same.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.  I know that Lexie appreciates all of your love and support, as well.  Please take care, and give all of your fur babies a kiss on the nose for me.  :)

Saying Good-Bye

When I got up this morning, I found that Lexie's mammary wounds had bled through her doggy bed during the night.  I can't believe she even found the strength to get up, go down the front steps, and walk into the yard to pee, but she did.  She did it for me.  She fought so hard for me for so long, but she collapsed on the sidewalk before she could make it back into the house, and I knew at that moment that I wasn't going to make Lexie fight any longer. 

Justin sat with her and said his good-byes while I got ready to take her to Dr. Ellis.  Then, before I left, we held each other and cried as I thanked Justin for taking such good care of my Lou.  I told him how much she loved him.  It broke my heart to see him crying so hard for her, and for me, but it also made me realize just how lucky I and my girls are to have him in our lives. 

Unfortunately, Dr. Ellis wasn't at Animal Care Clinic today, so they sent us to Dr. Mark Ayers' office.  All of the staff and Dr. Ayers were so kind to me and Lou.  I'm glad that she was surrounded by so many kind, happy voices in her final hour.  I'm also so glad that I decided to stay and be with her while she was euthanized.  I put my forehead against hers and held her face in my hands as I thanked her for loving me and told her what a good girl she was.  She was peaceful, and I also felt at peace as I finally let her go.  I made her promise to find me again someday, though.  I have a feeling she will. 

Oh, Moomie.  I'm going to miss you so very, very much.  You'll always be my little turd, and I'll love you until my last breath.  Thank you for making me so happy for so many years. 

Missing Lou, Part 2 (Pics)

I thought I'd take a moment to share some of the photos of Lexie I've been staring at on my iPhone for the past week, just because I'm missing her so badly and cannot wait to see her little face on Saturday (or possibly tomorrow night)!!!

Me and Lou:

After a walk with Lexie and her sisters, Jocie and Sam:

Lou loves to cuddle more than anything in the world, and her two favorite things to cuddle are her stuffed animals.......

....and her big sister, Sam.

Lexie has recently done a little bonding with our new roommate, Ashley:

Lexie especially loves her "adoptive" Daddy, Justin:

Lexie is also very helpful around the house.  She loves to "help" Justin cook.....

....and occasionally she will "help" me fold laundry:

Here are just a few examples of why we so loving call Lou our "little turd" (we mean that in the best possible way, I swear):

She likes to eat my Burt's Bees:

This next photo was Lexie's way of telling us one night that she was hungry.  She carried her bowl into the living room, but when we ignored her, she found her bunny and put it into the bowl, as if to demonstrate for us the fact that we were supposed to put something in the bowl (my favorite part of this photo is "the glare"):

In general, Lexie is pretty adorable:

:)



Surgery #3 Was a Success, But....

The last time I received a "but" after one of Lexie's surgeries, it was, "Lexie's surgery went really well, but we did notice she has developed an infection...."  That infection, of course, turned out to be extensive and actually two different types of bacteria (staph and serratia), which caused Lexie's incision to pull open just approximately 14 hours after she was discharged from MetVet.

Dr. Kennedy called me last night around 9:30 p.m. to tell me that Lexie's surgery to repair the incision and also remove two mammary growths (not just one, as it turned out) went well, "but the anesthesiologist did make a note of some twitching that occurred during anesthesia."  I asked Dr. Kennedy if this is a reason for concern, but he didn't seem too worried about it.  He said he just wanted to mention it simply because the anesthesiologist noted it on Lexie's report, but he didn't think there was any reason to be concerned.  After all Lexie has been through, though, I wouldn't be surprised if she had a grand mal seizure a few hours after I get her home.  (Oh God, I didn't mean that!  *knock on wood!  knock on wood!*)

Anyway, Dr. Kennedy just called me again this morning to give me another update, and apparently Lexie did really well overnight.  He said that there was some swelling, but nothing like she had before.  He also said there was a little oozing from the incisions this morning, but that is to be expected.  I asked him if her eyes were going to ooze bloody fluid non-stop like they did the last time I brought her home, and he said he didn't think it would be as bad this time. 

On a side note, I asked Dr. Kennedy if they had ever received the results of Lexie's Von Willebrand's test (I noticed on her bill from her last surgery that I was charged for that test).  He said he wasn't sure if they had received the results back yet, but that he'd check.  I know that it takes a while for that test to come back, so I'm not going to be upset if they don't have the results yet.  Besides, at this point I'm kind of convinced she doesn't have Von Willebrand's because bleeding wasn't an issue in either of her last two surgeries.  I'm starting to think that Dr. Corbett's theory for why Lexie almost bled to death during her initial enucleation surgery is probably true:  She said that it's possible that all of Lexie's bleeding simply resulted from the fact that the eyes are very vascular organs with lots of veins and blood vessels that have to be surgically cut during an enucleation. 

So, technically, Lexie is allowed to come home tonight, but I told Dr. Kennedy that I would prefer to wait until Saturday to pick her up.  I reminded him that the last time I brought her home the day after her surgery, her stitches burst 11 hours later.  He said he completely understood and thought I was making a wise decision.  I know that leaving her two more nights for observation is definitely a better decision than picking her up this evening, but it's also killing me to know that she could come home tonight.  I want my Lou home with me so badly!!!!  I'm going to be strong, though, and hold off until Saturday morning to go get her, because I know it's for the best.  Well.....maybe tomorrow night.....

Still on Schedule...Still No Estimate

I just got a call from Dr. Sawyer, the doctor who's name I couldn't remember from my previous post, but there's nothing really new for me to report.  Lexie was really good when they changed her bandages yesterday, and the wound still looks good.  So, as of now, her surgery is still scheduled for Wednesday.

Dr. Sawyer then told me that Dr. Kennedy has spoken with Administration about my bill, including the cost of performing Lexie's mastectomy while she is under anesthesia on Wednesday.  She said that Dr. Kennedy is going to "crunch some numbers" tonight, and then call me with an estimate in the morning. 

In the meantime, I don't think Wednesday has ever felt so far away...

Surgery Pushed Back to Wednesday

After crying off an on all day yesterday about the fact that I'll have to wait until probably Tuesday to pick up Lexie (I miss her so much it hurts), I found out today that I probably won't be able to pick her up until at least Thursday.

The reason I've been so upset about not having Lexie home with me, despite knowing she's receiving excellent medical care right now, is because I feel like these first couple of weeks after having her eyes surgically removed is a very important time for me to BE THERE for her, and I'm not.  She awoke from her surgery to a pitch black new world, and instead of learning how to re-adjust to her daily routine with mine and Justin's help and love,  she has spent these last couple of weeks either in a car being rushed to the vet or locked up in a kennel for observation.  Besides the 11 hours she was actually home, her only interactions have been with unfamiliar doctors and vet techs.  It breaks my heart to think about how confused and alone she must be feeling right now.  She's probably wondering why she hasn't heard mine or Justin's voices in so long and wondering where her sisters are.  

However, I'm trying not to dwell on such thoughts too much because I do realize it's actually a very good thing that they've pushed back Lexie's surgery.  The doctor I spoke to this morning (I forgot her name) said that Lexie's infection has cleared up a lot since we first brought her back in last Thursday night.  Apparently, her staph and serratia infections were much more extensive than I had realized, but the doctor said that the wound looks much better today.  She said she even took a picture of Lexie's wound and sent it to Dr. Kennedy, who agreed that the antibiotics appear to be working nicely.  Therefore, they've decided the best plan of action is to wait another couple of days to continue to allow the antibiotics to do their thing and clear up the infection as much as possible before repairing her incision, which will probably be on Wednesday.  (Remember, these infections were the reason why Lexie's sutures pulled out, so the less infection present in the wound when they sew her back up, the more likely the wound will stay closed this time.)  Therefore, even though I'm bummed that I have to wait even longer to pick up my Lou, it's nice to know that the vets are being extra cautious this time to ensure that no further complications will occur once I finally get her home.  In fact, I'm trying not to even get my hopes up about bringing her home the day after her surgery because it's quite possible they may keep her an extra day or so, just to be safe.  I probably won't know that until after her surgery, though.  

I also don't know yet whether or not Lexie is going to have her swollen mammary gland removed during the same surgery.  I reminded the doctor I spoke with today about this, and she said she'd mention it to Dr. Kennedy and see if they can get a cost estimate for me.  I hope I can swing it, because now I feel like I just want to have it done so as not to have to put Lou through any more surgeries.  *fingers crossed*

Lou's New "Hippy Doctor"

I'm not going to lie, I've been really bummed today.  I can't believe my Lou was only home for 11 hours, and now she's back in Ohio until next week.  I was so ready to move forward with her.  I was actually looking forward to working with her and helping her adjust to her blindness.  The most important thing to me is getting her back to being happy.  I want her to enjoy her new life, and I want to enjoy it with her.  Therefore, having that false start on Wednesday was a huge disappointment, and after having so many disappointments already (i.e. "Lexie is not going blind!"), this one seems to have knocked me down quite a few pegs mentally.

So, I was driving home from work today, feeling rather numb and trying to talk myself into meeting some of my friends out for trivia tonight (I haven't really hung out with my friends in probably a month, ever since this whole ordeal first began), but not really feeling like it, when MedVet called.  The woman on the phone introduced herself as Dr. Wagner from Integrative Medicine, the department that Dr. Webb said she was going to consult about boosting Lexie's immune system.  Dr. Wagner told me that she had started giving Lexie mangosteen juice, which is a tropical fruit that is used to boost the immune system and improve mental health, and AgariGold, a mushroom extract that also helps strengthen the immune system, among a number of other health benefits.  Not only that, but Dr. Wagner said she's been giving Lexie Healing Touch therapy.  According to the Healing Touch for Animals website, this technique "allows the natural regulation of the immune system which encourages the healing process and promotes well-being."  Hey, call it hippy medicine if you want, but I'm willing to try anything at this point.  Besides, Dr. Wagner said that Lexie LOVES her Healing Touch massages!  She said that Lexie let out a couple deep sighs and then fell fast asleep, to which I could only reply, "Awwwww!"

I got off the phone with Dr. Wagner feeling even more confident that Lexie is absolutely receiving THE BEST care possible at MedVet.  What other place offers their animal patients both traditional medicine and alternative holistic treatments?  Actually, after reading up on Lexie's new supplements (see links above), I may start giving mangosteen juice and AgariGold to Jocie and Sam, too.  :)

Anyway, that phone call was a much needed pick-me-up.  I may take a nap, and then get ready to go out and do some non-dog-emergency-related things with my awesome, supportive friends, whom I've been missing very much.

Missing Lou (Video)

I called MedVet around 9:00 p.m. last night to check on Lexie and to see if they thought she'd be able to come home today.  The nurse I spoke with said that Lexie is doing "awesome," and added, "She's got a pretty big fan club here."  Once again, the BIGGEST smile spread across my face upon hearing that.  I love that so many people appreciate what a little turd my Lou is (I mean that in the best possible way, of course).

Unfortunately, the nurse wasn't sure if Dr. Corbett wants to let Lexie come home today because she said Lou is still a little anemic and they just want to make sure she's 100% stable before they send her home.  I completely understand and appreciate that, but I'm crossing my fingers REALLY HARD that her blood counts have stabilized because I just want my baby home!!!!!  Dr. Corbett is supposed to call me later this morning and give me an update.

In the meantime, I thought I'd share with you guys a little video of Lexie that I shot last summer after she had given me another big scare.  Lexie had developed pyometra, which I learned when I had to rush her to the Animal Care Clinic after finding her in a pool of blood one morning.  (I hadn't spayed her yet because at one time I thought I may want Lexie to have at least one litter.  I had been meaning to have her spayed after deciding years ago that I didn't want to breed her, but for some reason it just kept slipping my mind.  Needless to say, I felt like the WORST dog-mother in the world that day.)  Lexie had to have emergency surgery because she was in serious condition, and I was terrified that I was going to lose her.

Thankfully, she pulled through that surgery, as well.  In fact, the very next day she felt like a million bucks!  I couldn't believe how quickly she recovered and how spunky she was.   The one thing that REALLY got me, though, was the fact that as soon as she got home from the vet, she sought out her stuffed bunny.  She carried that thing around with her everywhere and cuddled it every time she laid down.

So, here is a short video I shot of Lou and her bunny the DAY AFTER her pyometra surgery that saved her life last summer.  (Note, in addition to "Lou," Lexie's other nicknames are "Moo" and "Moomie."  Don't ask me why.  Oh, and Lexie's eyes always glowed bright green in photos and videos, which is why we sometimes referred to her as a goblin.  haha!)





My little "goblin" with my brother, Zach, and his girlfriend/Lexie's BFF, Kristy:

One more of the "goblin" having dinner: