Friday, July 27, 2012

I Miss Her So Much

Last night, I told Justin that, over the years, I have randomly wondered which of my girls would be the first to go.  It's something that I have been naturally dreading and trying to prepare myself for ever since I first got Jocie 11 years ago.  I told Justin that I would try to imagine what life would be like without Sam, or what life would be like without Jocie, but any time I would start to think about what my life would be like without Lou, I just couldn't.  I literally could not imagine my life without Lexie in it.  I still can't.  I'm still in...not denial...but total disbelief. 

I pulled up some old videos last night because I wanted to replace the memories I have from these last couple of months with those from much happier times:

I would be lying if I said that Justin and I haven't already talked about getting a Doberman puppy sometime in the near future.  I wish I could tell you that I can't even bear the thought of "replacing" Lexie, but that's not true.  There is a huge void in my life now.  While I love Sam and Jocie with all my heart, they just have very different personalities. 

Jocie's a goofball and cracks me up sometimes with her weirdo behaviors (she has this whole OCD routine she performs before she eats sometimes that you just wouldn't believe), but for the most part, she's kind of a loner.  I call her my "cat-dog" because she generally likes to just keep to herself and hang out behind the couch most of the time, and she only comes out whenever she decides she wants a little attention. 

Sam is SUCH a sweetheart.  I have often referred to her as my "human dog" because I swear she feels emotions just like a human.  In fact, ever since we took Lexie yesterday, Sam's been sleeping in the laundry room, which is where she usually hides whenever there's a thunderstorm.  She also refuses to sleep on the doggy bed where Lexie last slept.  She just feels every emotion SO deeply, and she wears her heart on her little doggy sleeve.  In general, though, Sam is one of the laziest creatures you'll ever meet.  Maybe it's the coonhound in her, but all she wants to do is sprawl out on the couch, sleep, and eat.

It's Lexie's GIANT, active personality that has left such a void in my heart.  She's what made this house feel alive.  Dobermans are notorious for being demanding for affection and attention, and that's exactly what I miss about Lou.  Again, I love my Sam and my Jocie, please do not get me wrong about that, but, well, for example, when I got home from work yesterday, no one came running up to greet me.  Sam kind of lifted her head up and wagged her tail at me, and Jocie finally came out from behind the couch when I asked the girls if they had to go pee, but I missed having my Lou right there at the door waiting for me with one of her stuffed animals in her mouth, with her little nubble (tail) going a million miles a minute (we called that "nubble trouble").  Also, for some reason I prefer to sit on my living room floor whenever I watch TV sometimes and lean back against the couch, and when I did that last night I really missed how Lexie used to come over and lay down on the floor right beside me.  I will especially miss her in the winter because we used to snuggle on the floor by the fire together.

So, again, I'm not even going to pretend that my heart isn't aching for Lexie's void to be filled.  No dog will ever "replace" my Lou, of course, and part of me feels very guilty for even considering adopting another Doberman puppy so soon after Lexie's passing, but I just don't know how long my heart can survive with this huge hole in it.  I'm definitely not going to get a new pup before September, though, because I have a vacation coming up at the end of August.  So, I have over a month to really think about it, but Justin seems to agree with my reasons for wanting another Dobe and is all for the idea.

No matter what, Lexie will always be my first true Dobe love.  She stole my heart from the minute I laid eyes on her.  I'll never forget that day, either.  Chris answered an ad in the local paper for a Doberman puppy and brought her with him to pick me up from work.  As soon as he walked around the side of the car with that adorable little baby girl, I completely melted right there in the parking lot.  I even remember saying, "Oh my GOD," and my hands grasped at my heart the moment I saw her.  Yeah, she definitely had me completely wrapped around her little paw from Day One. 

Anyway, I feel like I'm just rambling now.  I guess there isn't much else to really add to this blog, I just feel almost panicked at the thought of ending it.  It's the same feeling I got last night when I purchased Lexie's urn online.  Justin and I spent a good hour or so shopping for an urn in which to keep Lexie's ashes.  (I paid to have a private cremation for her so that I could keep her ashes.  I plan to put some of her cremains with Chris' ashes, which I will be scattering someday, per Chris' wishes.)  We chose an urn that basically looks like a double picture frame, but there is a box behind the main frame for her ashes.  We were happy with our choice and I added it to the online shopping cart, but just before I clicked "Purchase," I had a moment of panic.  I looked at Justin and said tearfully, "I don't want to buy Lexie an urn."  What I meant, of course, was just that I wanted her to still be alive, but Justin understood exactly what I meant.

So, as I said, that's the way I'm feeling right now in regard to ending this blog.  In a way, this feels like another big, heartbreaking good-bye.  I have "met" so many wonderful, caring, and amazing people because of this experience, and it warms my heart that so many of you have told me that you feel like you knew Lexie, despite having never met her, because of this blog.  It saddens me in ways that I can't even express in words that this is all now coming to an end.  I hope you all know how much your support and encouragement have meant to me.  Your kindness and generosity have changed my life forever. 

In fact, after I post this final blog, I will be heading over to the Special Needs Dobermans website to set up a monthly donation.  It won't be much right now, as I am currently thousands of dollars in debt over Lexie's medical expenses, but I know from personal experience that even a $5 donation can help save a Dobe in need.  So, for the rest of my life, I will be donating at least $5 per month (more when or if I ever have more to give) in Lexie's name to this and possibly other organizations who help people in need pay for their beloved pet's medical expenses.  I highly encourage everyone who is reading this blog to do the same.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.  I know that Lexie appreciates all of your love and support, as well.  Please take care, and give all of your fur babies a kiss on the nose for me.  :)


  1. just speechless :-(
    i have been stroking my bunny while reading this blog, Lou you will be really missed!
    i am so sorry! xxx

  2. I was just browsing some pages that I had recently closed, and I saw the horrible news. I guess I thought everything would be okay, and I had planned to check in occasionally. I am so, so sorry things happened the way they did for you. I have been there, sitting in the floor spooning my Dobie when she went to Heaven, and I can't think about it without dissolving into tears with loud sobs. But, I like to think that your Lexie is with my Chance (and Scruffy) at the Rainbow Bridge, and they are happy and healthy and have no pain (and Lexie can see!) She will be waiting there for you, until the day you can be together again! I am so sorry for your loss, and I will double up on my prayers for you.